BORDER PATROL

I can't believe I forgot to write about my hiccup at the Canadian border last week! Hey, if anyone thinks the US Border patrol isn't hard on people coming in from Canada, think again!

Okay, so, I was in Canada, I had already entered that country the day before. Thursday, right? And I had commented to my Aunt Carol that I can tell I'm getting older, because as a child, the border guards were adults. They were older than me, authority figures, ADULTS! Now, they're all 20's. 30's, I'm almost 40... haha 42, and so they seem like kids to me. So Friday night on my way to Connie's I was at the check-point to re-enter the US. Of A. You know, where I live? So after examining my driver's license from California, and my license plate, from California, and my United States passport, the ten year-old in the booth asked again "you DROVE here from California?", maybe he thought it was out of the country? I don't know! Anyway, he instructed me to pull over to these other embryos in military style garb with flashlights and other scary-looking paraphernalia hanging off their belts, because they wanted to ask me a few more questions.

I was intrigued as to what it was about me that had them suspicious. But another adventure? I'm up for it! I pulled over and opened my door. The First Boy Border Patrol asked me to come with him, and to leave my belongings in my car. I started to get out, then:

First Boy Border Patrol: "Do you have any money in there?"

Me: "Yes, I have money in my wallet."

First Boy Border Patrol: "Do you have more than ten thousand dollars in your wallet?"

Me: "..............................................................no."

First Boy Border Patrol: "Okay, bring your wallet and come with me."

I looked around at all four Border Boys, then,

Me: "Oh my god you're all just kids!"

Blank, trying for angry stares greeted me.

Me: "What I mean is, I grew up here, right here in Port Huron, in this here city, and would go back and forth to Canada almost every weekend to visit my family, this was 25 years ago, so the border dudes were, you know, older than me, and now... I mean... look at you! You just started shaving this year, didn't you!?"

First Pissed Off Boy Border Patrol: "This way, MA'AM."

Ouch.

So off I go following Doogie into the Customs building. He goes behind a counter and I lean on it. He asks me to step back, asserting his authority over me. I smiled and winked. He asked for my wallet and took everything out, examining my Guitar Center credit card (the only credit card I have, perhaps he thought I was a drug smokin' hippie!!!!),

Me: "Hey, I have a really expensive guitar out in my car. Will it be safe?"

First Pissed Off Doogie Patrol: "Yes."

Me: "No aspiring musicians out there going through my stuff who may pilfer it?"

Doogs: blank stare.

Finally, after looking at my ASCAP cards, I have two,

The Doogmeister: "Why do you have two of these?"

Me: "Do you know what they are?"

He just handed everything back in a messy pile. I leaned on the counter to start putting it all back into my wallet. He told me to step back again.

Me: "You're so cute!"

He left me there for a while, and even though it was warm in the building, I had dinner plans man! I wanted to get on the road! Finally I was approached by another toddler with his hat pulled down past his eyebrows, who told me to follow him and we went back out to my car.

Second Toddler Border Patrol: "You're free to go."

Me: "Would you mind staying with me while I check my car?"

Second Toddler Border Patrol: "For what?"

Me: "I just had a bunch of strange young men going through my personal belongings. Just wait a minute while I make sure it's all good inside my vehicle."

Second Boy rolled his eyes! Can you believe it!?

Me: "By the way, what was it about me that got me this delightful secondary inspection?"

Second Boy of Authority: "We're targetting all cars from California today."

At last! A sense of humor! So I laughed! He didn't. He was serious.

Me: "Why?"

Second Playground Bully: (internal dialogue "DUH!") "Because you're 3,000 miles away!"

Me: "So, it's rare to have a California car, is what you're saying? You must be slammed tonight if Cali is your target!"

Trademark blank stare.

Me: "Anyway, everyone is from somewhere, I'm from here. And it's been a pleasure. Thanks for keeping us safe. I mean it."

Big smile.

Second Boy: "You're welcome!"

And hope prevails.